If you are a stay-at home mom who is thinking about going back to work and freaking out, you’re not alone. Most women who have been home caring for children feel very anxious and overwhelmed by the idea. However, some stay-at-home moms no matter how they try to bury or ignore the idea of returning to work, find it coming back again and again into their minds. How come?
Well, for some women its simple economics. They have a real need for additional income. For these women, the well being of their families and children call them into action. However, for other stay-at-home mothers, it may be an issue of what I call “personhood.” Being at home may leave these moms feeling bored, irritable, and frustrated. They may feel isolated. They may feel the need for more stimulation.
As one woman said to me, “My mommy IQ is really high, but my personal IQ is sinking!” These feelings may become more prominent particularly over time, as their children mature and enter an exciting and new world themselves through school. For other mothers, family history may drive them. One mom I spoke with said she returned to work because she could never forget her own mother’s frustration of staying home full time. She wanted to set a different example for her own daughters.
So what’s one factor that makes it so hard for stay-at-home moms to consider returning to the workplace? Guilt! Mother’s have a very strong attachment and maternal instinct to be with children and protect them. They can feel guilty (and frightened) leaving them. Not being present may even throw some mothers into a panic as they imagine all sorts of worse case scenarios.
Some mothers feel guilty in wanting an identity of their own. They feel that somehow it is expected of them to give constantly and unstintingly to their children. Anything less, leaves these moms feeling “selfish.” This is a self-definition that is sure to raise the hair on the back of any mother’s neck!
Lastly, mothers often feel guilty about getting involved with something they feel passionate about that is other than their children. They feel that somehow their children should fulfill all of their needs. They may feel guilty because they don’t. Then they get into the blame game – something is wrong with them as mothers. However, a mother cannot depend on her children to fulfill her completely. What a burden and responsibility for her kids to carry!
Despite the emotional challenges, finding work outside the home – whatever it may be – has the potential to give a mom a renewed sense of self. It has the potential to boost confidence, give her a sense of accomplishment and pride in her own abilities. It can even make her a better mom because she’s happier!
Dr. Schwartz is a working mom and has been a featured speaker on helping mothers return to the workplace at colleges, schools and parenting organizations andwas on the health Advisory Board of “Big Apple Parent Magazine”. She was also a member of the 92nd Street Y Parenting Center in New York City, where she was often a featured speaker. Dr. Schwartz is in private practice in Stamford, CT and New York City. She specializes in life transitions such as marriage, parenthood, divorce, returning to the workplace and aging.
Contact: drlaurel@drlschwartz.com
